...or at least one of them...
I tell stories. I fall in love. I see women that I'm drawn to and my mind starts forming connections, assumptions, presumptions, wishful desires, fanciful premises, attractive through lines, and resplendent culminations. I see women and without even knowing them or knowing them, but knot KNOWING them, my brain forms these frameworks, these stories. It fills in the blanks and completes a narrative that I cannot help but be drawn to. And it's not for WANT of getting to know the real person, but instead impatience of having to wait to get to know them. I cannot help but fall for women.
But...these are are just that. Stories. Fictions. Reality is much more complex, tangled....messy. And even when I come to know this true reality, that story never really goes away. It always persists in the back of my head. This image of who they were before I knew who they WERE. And it's not that I don't recognize this. Above all, I'm a realist. Almost to the point of being withdrawn. Yet, it happens so fast, that to this day, it's still a trap I fall into and I fear one that will prevent me from seeking out what I would need to find a relationship to last more than a few years.
I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that E may have been right and I will indeed end up the perpetual single bachelor, but what I have not/am not coming to terms with is how to live my life in acceptance of that fact. That would mean what I THOUGHT I wanted ever since my adolesence was incorrect, or at the very least not to be....How do you rewrite 2/3 of a lifetime of programming?
....about a week ago, I pulled down a couple journals I had written about 10/11 and 15 years ago respectively. I've never been a diarist, but circumstances at the time of the older one dictated that I maintain one. It's sat in my closet rarely read for the last decade and a half and I opened it up last week. Now, I don't believe in new years resolutions because I believe that life is a continuous journey and we should be constantly working to improve ourselves and correct our deficiencies. I looked back over the case of 15 years and found that I haven't learned anything. I find that I'm still dealing with the same issues I was as a young adult in the mid nineties. I haven't changed. I haven't grown. I've stagnated. This was devastating.
I have no mile markers. People my age have children, significant others, careers that actually mean something to them. I have none of that. I have no touchstones apart from my own memory and that just gets hazier as I move on...I'm turning 37 in a month and I'm wondering if I'm ever going to get a handle on this life thing.