Kid E

Mixed Feelings Over Mixed Drinks

So here's my issue...
Kid E
mr_mooph
...or at least one of them...

...I think...


I tell stories. I fall in love. I see women that I'm drawn to and my mind starts forming connections, assumptions, presumptions, wishful desires, fanciful premises, attractive through lines, and resplendent culminations. I see women and without even knowing them or knowing them, but knot KNOWING them, my brain forms these frameworks, these stories. It fills in the blanks and completes a narrative that I cannot help but be drawn to. And it's not for WANT of getting to know the real person, but instead impatience of having to wait to get to know them. I cannot help but fall for women.

But...these are are just that. Stories. Fictions. Reality is much more complex, tangled....messy. And even when I come to know this true reality, that story never really goes away. It always persists in the back of my head. This image of who they were before I knew who they WERE. And it's not that I don't recognize this. Above all, I'm a realist. Almost to the point of being withdrawn. Yet, it happens so fast, that to this day, it's still a trap I fall into and I fear one that will prevent me from seeking out what I would need to find a relationship to last more than a few years.

I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that E may have been right and I will indeed end up the perpetual single bachelor, but what I have not/am not coming to terms with is how to live my life in acceptance of that fact. That would mean what I THOUGHT I wanted ever since my adolesence was incorrect, or at the very least not to be....How do you rewrite 2/3 of a lifetime of programming?





....about a week ago, I pulled down a couple journals I had written about 10/11 and 15 years ago respectively. I've never been a diarist, but circumstances at the time of the older one dictated that I maintain one. It's sat in my closet rarely read for the last decade and a half and I opened it up last week. Now, I don't believe in new years resolutions because I believe that life is a continuous journey and we should be constantly working to improve ourselves and correct our deficiencies. I looked back over the case of 15 years and found that I haven't learned anything. I find that I'm still dealing with the same issues I was as a young adult in the mid nineties. I haven't changed. I haven't grown. I've stagnated. This was devastating.


I have no mile markers. People my age have children, significant others, careers that actually mean something to them. I have none of that. I have no touchstones apart from my own memory and that just gets hazier as I move on...I'm turning 37 in a month and I'm wondering if I'm ever going to get a handle on this life thing.

(no subject)
Kid E
mr_mooph
Fuck me, this actually is the depression portion....

(no subject)
Kid E
mr_mooph
Gonna go to sleep and when I wake up, I wanna be 23 again when i didn't have to deal with grown up bullshit.

(no subject)
Kid E
mr_mooph
I find myself wishing that life wouldn't be distracting me with superfluous "reasons" on a decision that needs to be made. Deciphering the signal from the noise is problematic. But the truth is, I'm fully cognizant of what the signal is broadcasting and believe I'm simply using the noise as an excuse.

(no subject)
Kid E
mr_mooph
Out of my dreams, red.

HEEEEEYYYYY!!!
Kid E
mr_mooph
Welcome back to live journal!

It's terribly interesting being on the other end of the stick.
Kid E
mr_mooph
You learn some things.

(no subject)
Kid E
mr_mooph
fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck....


can you get mor vague than that? Cause that's apparently what live journal has become.


mwaa HA hahahaha

deal.

(no subject)
Kid E
mr_mooph
Fucking hypocrisy...

(no subject)
Kid E
mr_mooph

?

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